Fishing for Compliments

It’s not secret to most of my friends that I’ve spent a considerable amount of time over the years visiting pregnancy and parenting message board. During my pregnancy with Noah, online was the only place I could go to ask questions of other moms to be. We didn’t have a wide circle of friends that had children, and then after Noah was born we simply didn’t have any friends in Arizona with kids. We were flying blind, but going online for support made me feel better.

For the most part, I mostly read when I visit online communities. I am not a prolific poster for a couple of reasons. Most of the time it’s because someone else has already said what I would say, or because I am lazy. Over the years, I’ve become pretty savvy about online communities and the personalities that participate.

The Drama Queens: They can’t go to the bathroom without there being some type of crisis that makes it a less than spectacular experience. These moms flip out on anyone who looks at them or their children sideways. Though generally kind and well-meaning, the Drama Queens are almost always worried about something. And more often than not, that something is minor.

The Complainers: Someone is always doing something to make them mad and piss them off. This would include husbands, in-laws, their OBGYNS/pediatricians, teachers, boyfriends, siblings, friends, and other children. The women in this category are notorious for making other people’s problems their problems. You sometimes want to reach out and grab them and say, “Why do you give a shit that your pregnant sister in law is throwing a hissy fit because she didn’t get the stroller she wanted?” The Complainers have also never been wrong about anything. Ever.

The Experts: In every online community there are 2-3 moms who are simply perfect. They are usually BTDT (been there, done that) moms who may not know everything about everything (and will admit it), but people treat them as such. Other members look to them for advice and leadership. Someone can post a question and 15 people and respond with the same answer. But if the 16th response comes from an Expert it will be received as gospel. Other women seek them out for their wisdom and support. And Experts often achieve their status by posting a response to every single message on a board. Their is power is numbers.

The “I-Would-NEVER” Moms: These are the moms who WOULD NEVER give their baby formula. Who WOULD NEVER vaccinate their children. Who WOULD NEVER let their babies “cry-it-out” and who WOULD NEVER circumcise their sons. And Who WOULD NEVER give birth in a hospital with an epidural. These same moms also WOULD NEVER pass judgment on another mom because women need “to make the best decision for you and your baby” (wink-wink).

The Cheerleaders: No matter what someone posts, they are loving and supportive. I used to belong to a community where a member posted that her five kids were removed from the home by CPS. The Cheerleaders rallied around her, reassuring her that she’s a terrific mom (whom they had never met in real life) and that CPS doesn’t know their ass from their elbow (which they do) and that this was all a mistake (which is wasn’t, since the kids weren’t returned for 18 months).

The Attention Seekers: These women have yet to realize that if I Google their screen name I can find out everything about them except their social security number. They relentlessly post personal information (and pictures!) about themselves online. Including but not limited to: husbands, children, fertility history, sex life, political views, financial history, educational background, and place of residence. Many seem to think that knowing someone “online” is the same thing as knowing someone “IRL” (in real life).

Which brings me to a post I saw today. Read the message below and see if you can figure out what category she belongs in:

Discussion title: Ready for summer? Be brave ladies.
Replies:32
From: XXXX
Date: Jun 2 4:06 pm

We have been in the pool for nearly a month now and will practically live in it for the next 4-5mo so I am really excited for lots of swimming as things get really hot around here in Arizona.

Are you ready???? Okie dokie ladies, are you brave enough to show your 2009 swim suit? I went pink, what do you think??? Every year I get a new suit, I love 'em.

And there itwas. Below her elaborate signature and myriad of blinkies (including one designed to look like a House of Pancakes Billboard that said, “Boobie House, open 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year) was a picture. Of her posing seductively in hot pink bikini.

She didn’t create this post for feedback on her swimsuit. She was fishing for compliments on how she looked in her swimsuit. That’s exactly what 31 other posters did. They RAVED about how after three kids she didn’t have any stretch marks and how awesome she looked. And while a few other women bravely (stupidly?) posted pictures of themselves in bathing suits and she politely complimented them on how they looked, that really wasn’t the point of her post, was it?

But the pièce de résistance is this: the mom who bragged about quitting breastfeeding so she could get a boob job posted a picture of herself (and her MONSTER "bewbies") in a bikini with the following message, "Good thing I bought those bewbies to even out those big hips! ha!"

Am I missing something? And by the way, if you speak like a baby and refers to your breasts as "bewbies" then I question you maturity to get them in the first place.