A Long Overdue Post

So, it’s been a while.

In the last week I have had a couple of people ask me when I am going to update the blog. The answer is complicated.

I tend to write in waves. There have been periods of time in my life when writing occurred organically and the words flowed with ease. And there are times when I just haven’t felt like saying much (shocking, I know). Writing is cathartic for me, but for the last few months I just haven’t felt the urge to sit and write. There has been plenty to say, and a lot going on, but that urge to sit and put it on paper just wasn’t there. Frankly, the best place to go for updates on me and the kids was Facebook.

Instead of writing, I’ve been doing a lot of reflection. I think for me the biggest challenge of the last few months has been adapting to life with twins. It sounds silly. But for 8 months all we did was live, eat, breath, and sleep pregnancy. And not just any pregnancy, “high-risk-spontaneous-twins” pregnancy. We lived life from one doctor appointment to the next, never knowing with 100% certainty what the outcome of each appointment would be. And then Hannah and Abbie were born and we spent 12 weeks trying to simply survive. It may have looked easy, but it wasn’t. It was hard. And anyone who tells you that having a baby doesn’t strain a marriage is lying.

Then I went back to work. I like working. I find it empowering. And going back to work was a forgone conclusion. But I wasn’t pregnant and anymore and the girls were no longer newborns. The novelty of the twin experience had worn off. Leaving work for fun things like ultrasounds and check-ups were replaced with phone calls from daycare about babies with RSV or diarrhea. I am not an attention seeking person, but it’s easy to get seduced by the attention that comes with pregnancy. . . especially a twin pregnancy. Everyone else had moved on, but I hadn’t. I couldn’t. Because even today, eight months later, I am still trying to process it all.

There is a part of me that looks at my pregnant friends and acquaintances with longing and a twinge of jealously. Pregnancy is such an exciting time. And as miserable, hot, and anxious as I was at the end, I would do it all over again in a heartbeat. Realistically, we’re probably not having more kids. And that makes me sad. As I have tried to process these feelings and reflect on them, blogging wasn’t something I could do. I started this blog to share the pregnancy with others and posting was another reminder that this phase of my life was over. Logically I knew that I should be focusing on watching my daughters develop from babies into little girls, but emotionally I had to mourn the fact this part of my life is more than likely “over.” I was ashamed to feel this way, and even more ashamed to share this with others out of fear that I would seem ungrateful. Instead of finding joy when the girls hit a milestone, I felt sadness that they were growing up. The decision to stop nursing was something I agonized over because it was a physical acknowledgement that they were no longer “babies.” Then I had an epiphany.

I have accomplished a lot in the last 18 months. I completed the Breast Cancer 3-Day (60 miles walk to raise money from breast cancer research) the month before I got pregnant with the girls. I carried Hannah and Abbie 35 weeks and 6 days without complication or bed rest, and I delivered them vaginally. I breast fed the twins for 7 months, which is a lot longer than many women nurse singletons. It was as if I had been running so hard and so fast for so long that I crossed the finished line and kept going. It was when I stopped, took a breath, and acknowledged all these things that my perspective changed. Moving forward became a little easier. That was the difference.

I know that I have rambled a lot in this post, and it may not make sense to anyone else but me. It was probably more answer than you wanted. But as I said earlier, writing is cathartic. And I tend to express myself more clearly on paper than I do when I speak. So if you’ve read this far, mazel tov!

Pictures and a happy-kid upate is forthcoming.