I'm glad that everyone is so thorough

But enough with the goddamn non-stress tests. . . which lately seem to be a bit more stressful than they should be.

On the advice of a friend I spent the 45 minutes before the appointment walking around the mall. Since walking encourages labor this seemed like a good a idea. And since I was going straight to the hospital it seemed like an even better idea. So I walked. I shopped (got a FABULOUS deal on matching dresses for the girls involving a store credit I had at the Gap) and tried to get things moving. No such luck.

Got the the hospital at 5pm and my favorite nurse (Heather) wasn't there. But the nurse that was assigned to me was fun and it looked like I would be in and out within an hour. Talk about wishful thinking. One hour and four nurses later they still could not get BOTH babies on the monitor at the same time. They got the information they needed out of both babies individually, and they knew that they were healthy, but they needed to see how they interact together. So they called the on-call Dr. from my practice (have I mentioned that twice I have been at the hospital when she has been on-call and TWICE I have never met her) who decided I would have a biophysical profile (BPP) instead. Like an NST, the BPP also checks to see whether or not the babies are getting enough oxygen.

So after I spent an hour on the monitor, it's been decided I need a BPP instead and the nurses left me in the room alone for another 45 minutes. Did I mention that I was still hooked up to the blood pressure machine and fetal monitor but that neither were turned on? When I realized that they weren't coming back I unhooked myself from the equipment, went to the bathroom, moved from the bed to the recliner and flipped on the TV. If I was going to wait I was going to be comfortable.

A nurse came back at 7:15 and asked if they had taken me to the ultrasound lab yet. Nope. I asked her if I could get something to eat, since I hadn't had anything since 1:30. She replies "we're you thinking of ordering something from the cafeteria?" Uh no. I was thinking you could fetch me something from the catering cart instead. No such luck. She then informed that they were calling transport. And I never got a snack.

Transport = wheelchair. Here's the thing. I'm pregnant, not disabled. I am perfectly capable of walking and the hospital refused to let me even after I promised not to sue them if I tripped along the way. If nothing else, maybe walking to ultrasound lab would put me in labor. Wheelchairs are for people who legitimatley for people who cannot walk. Not for avoiding lawsuits. Personally, I found being pushed in the wheelchair humiliating.

Eventually had the ultrasound and the babies we're fine and they got a perfect score of 10 out of 10. The sonographer told me that the test usually lasts and hour (!) with twins but somehow by the grace of God mine only lasted 30 minutes. The girls cooperated and are overachievers. Score!

Transport eventually came to wheel me back to the room (more humiliation) and I waited for someone to discharge me. According to the nurse, the OB on-call from my practice "felt bad" that I had been there so long. Glad someone did. I walked out of the hospital at 8:40 p.m. And found myself driving home in a raging Arizona monsoon storm.

You know how the nurses told me a few weeks ago that a drop in the barometric pressure when storms come through town causes women to go into labor? Bullshit. If that were the case I would have given birth to twins two days ago.

Can you tell that I am ready to be done?!